the future is ALWAYS
UNKNOWN.
but ALMOST ALWAYS
I think I know my future
as I control + plan it.
+ so
to really not know
is FUCKING FRIGHTENING.
though actually
HAVING AN UNKNOWN FUTURE
is just accustoming myself
to what is always true.
thinking can be so complex
I’m considering quitting that habit of mine.
WE BECOME WHAT WE CONSUME.
our bodies are made of what we eat.
they’re also made of what we see, hear,
EXPERIENCE.
our hearts know, what we’ve felt.
– hence, you can pretty much choose,
what you’re made of (? / !).
I don’t know.
TO WHICH EXTENT?!
+ anyways,
where are the borders between
body, mind, heart,
if there are any?
+ yes, you can choose in certain situations,
BUT then there’s the rest of life,
which HAPPENS.
(most of the times we don’t choose
to get hurt by someone else for instance
– still it does something with us.)
LET ME FEED YOU FROM THE INSIDE.
the SOUL is screaming from the top of my lungs
– or somewhere further down.
music: RED BULL, WATCHA GONNA DO, WHEN HE’LL VOMIT YOU?
is a song I’m currently working on.
a busy place, this WORLD.
with all the distractions
hardly ever seen through.
GLIMPSES of silence + clarity
are like rays of light
rarely shining through
the clouds of our
CLUTTERED MINDS.
when we sat there on the roof
+ only saw what was,
I almost forgot I had a phone
- old clingy thing
who can’t be alone for two secs.
YOU thought of me
+ I knew.
I thought of you
+ you called.
she wasn’t well
+ SHE felt it.
WE wrote
the same
at the same time
to each other.
this morning I thought of you
after all this years.
ARE YOU OK?
I wondered.
Music: Just Because I’m A Woman – Dolly Parton
‘what are you dreaming of?’
- ‘LOVE. I’m dreaming of love.
sure, in the most romantic sense.
BUT ALSO
LOVE for who I am
LOVE for what I do
LOVE for where I am
LOVE FOR LIFE.
+ I don’t want to fake it
like they used to tell us in jazzclass.
I want to feel it from the most inside place
in my heart, when I say
I LOVE MY LIFE.’
music: Für Ingwer und Ewig – Lo & Leduc
once upon a time
a PRINCESS was born.
she couldn’t understand,
why she deserved a kingdom
(/QUEENDOM)
+ other people didn’t.
it became unbearable
to live in such a rich
ENVIRONMENT.
to possess so many things
started to cause stress.
+ she realized very early,
that she needed to search
for more DEPTH,
that possessions weren’t
making her happy.
the more she
SIMPLIFIED HER LIFE,
the more authentic she felt
+ the clearer she saw,
what truly mattered.
she might have seemed
poor from the outside then,
BUT she knew, that
TRUE RICHNESS LIES
WITHIN THE HEART.
s umenand CHÜECHLE dehei
haut mer gli de NUGGI use,
sonen gugus.
geschwiggerschwee ich schwöör
vo dem CHEIBE gehäfele
chunt mr no s
ZWÄTSCHGEBÜTSCHGI opsi.
#schissigaggi
#generellegeneralASCHISS
are there still WILD COWS
in this world
/ have we adapted
THEM ALL to our society?
+ where did they come from
ORIGINALLY?
music: Diamonds In The Mine – Leonard Cohen
INDEPENDENCE
- in the most individual sense -
is closely related to the perception of
PERSONAL FREEDOM.
understanding myself as independent in
my THOUGHTS + EMOTIONS + ACTIONS
makes me feel free
- even if objectively seen
I might not be thought of as such.
depending on others
limits my freedom.
to which extent can I allow myself
to lean on others
+ BE SUPPORTED?
where do I need to take
RESPONSIBILITY
for my own freedom?
it felt like she was
REOWNING that part of herself,
RECLAIMING her identity
+ reason for existence.
she got high on
MOVING that way
to that music
in that space
(for those people)
you could call it self-absorption
/ even VANITY.
OR
you could understand it
as offering the body
to a higher source of energy,
letting it flow through.
LOVE is always close
+ if you allow it to,
it will find expression
THROUGH YOU
+ handle the rest.
aka BEING IN THE FLOW.
sure, you have to work on your craft.
BUT it is also working on you.
she hadn’t expected
that overall presence
RADIATING
over time + space.
it was slightly
UNSETTLING.
+ she was wondering
where her
mind/heart/soul
/SUBCONSCIOUSNESS
were heading.
was it real?
ONE NEVER KNOWS.
music: Don’t Make Me Over – Dionne Warwick
vivid realities
shortly LIVED
turned into
memories
seem like
DISTANT DREAMS
+ I wonder
were they true?
have I lived them
TO THE FULLEST?
am I losing
SANITY
over all
(of it)?
+ just after she had written that, she couldn’t remember, whether she had taken that blood-thinner already/not,
INSANE.
do you assume,
a text is
AUTOBIOGRAPHIC,
just because
it’s written
from that
PERSPECTIVE?
RADICAL
forms of
AUTOBIOGRAPHY
were born.
he hugged her
+ leaned his head against her,
on his face an expression of
FULL CONTENTMENT
PURE LOVE
+ COMPLETE BLISS.
it was maybe the happiest
I’d seen him
+ the simplicity of the moment
made it perfect as it was.
I might not be able to walk on my feet,
BUT I can walk on all fours.
music: CRAZY LOVE – Marianne Faithfull
+ WHAT IF?
what if she doesn’t settle anywhere
FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE?
(a horrifying term)
what if what she has
is ENOUGH?
+ maybe it will change.
what if she changes
HER MIND
in 3y / sth
about everything?
SURE, commitment issues.
(+ is that really an issue anyways?)
this is what being a grown-up means
PEOPLE SAY.
+ SHE’S LIKE:
so being a grown-up means
coping with bureaucracy,
staying at the same spot
with the same people,
doing the same thing every day
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?
in that case:
NO, THANKS,
I’d rather be
PIPPI LONGSTOCKING
+ define maturity differently.
+ some other thoughts
BETTER NOT SHARED.
HEALING depends on more
than rest + medication.
healing depends on
the space it’s held within,
the PEOPLE in that very space,
the thoughts + conversations held.
nourishing food + sleep are important,
BUT ALSO
the LOVE with which that food has been prepared
+ how you were said goodnight to,
the thoughts you had before falling asleep,
the music you listened to on that day,
the information you fed your brain.
(stuff I’m learning being taken CARE OF after OP
by the people closest to my heart)
DEAR HEALTH CARE SYSTEM,
think about it.
she was dreaming of opening her window,
only to hear the WAVES hitting the sand
+ to SMELL THE SEA in the morning air.
OF a language so elegantly spoken,
it would change
your entire way of being.
OF sweet fruit + light shoes.
she was also dreaming of
LOVE + SUCH
- that was a different story though.
/ maybe not,
WHO KNEW?
ANYWAYS:
either things were
falling into place
with EASE
on that matter,
/ then they weren’t.
FORCING was
SO over.
THE ONE I’m doing this for is my SELF.
I’m not writing+posting every day, because I’m earning money from it (I don’t).
I’m also not doing this to gain followers (I have nothing to sell, so why collect followers?).
I’m doing this, because I LOVE IT.
I LOVE my writing every day.
I LOVE how it looks on my webpage.
I LOVE the shape my Instagram account has taken over the last couple of months.
it is WHO I AM + WHO I BECOME.
it is healing me, where I need to be healed.
it is the artistic luxury I’m treating myself to.
it is what holds me together, when I’m falling apart.
PS: today I finally finished the piece ‘LE PRINCE BAKLAZAN’,
which took its beginning more than 3y ago on a bike in SK.
+maybe it is all about RHYTHM
(again+again coming back to this)
the rhythm of MY breath
the rhythm of YOUR breath
the rhythm of your VOICE
the rhythm of that song we played
the rhythm of the day,
which makes me feel at ease.
the natural rhythm
of my body WALKING.
how our rhythms synchronize.
how our rhythms complement each other.
how easily we find a rhythm together.
+then the discomfort of falling
OUT OF RHYTHM,
which makes me understand
its importance to my wellbeing.
her sub-consciousness started working through
LONG FORGOTTEN STORIES.
the smell of people
the feeling of situations
the look in his eyes
the sound of her voice
the air in that city
everything BLENDING together
into an absurd sequence of events
as she walked through her dreams,
waking up with the feeling
of that person’s PRESENCE CLOSE TO HER
+ the realization
that HIS CHAPTER IN HER STORY
still had far more influence
on her behavior
than she would have liked to admit.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW
that you’re not admitting?
all to-do-lists did themselves
/ fell apart
/ became irrelevant
+ they left empty spaces filled with
WHAT AM I DOING HERE?
+ what am I supposed to be doing here?
+ MAYBE NOTHING.
that’s not a real answer!
some part of me screamed,
but had nothing more to say.
GROWTH is relative
to where I start growing from,
the same is true for
PROGRESS.
