20.8.19

YOU should have seen

her eyes LIGHT up.

 

IT WAS AS IF

you could watch her 

heart opening.

 

IT WAS AS IF

she came alive in 

her core essence.

 

IT WAS AS IF

she felt understood

for who she was.

 

IT WAS AS IF.

.

 

+ despite the noise 

around them

there was a secure

calmness to her excitement

OUTLINING THE WHOLENESS

of her presence.

 

if only they could have

stayed in that space,

HE THOUGHT

as he watched her leave 

(holding on to the sight of her).

 

YOU should have seen

her eyes LIGHT up.

.

music: Das Gluek Kennt Nur Minuten by Patricia Kaas

.

19.8.19

+ yet

.

it was STILL just the beginning.

there was WAY MORE to go.

+ she had finally come 

TO PEACE

with giving herself time.

 

on the other hand

missing the right point in time

wouldn’t be that favorable 

EITHER.

 

+ sie hatte den VERDACHT,

that it had occurred to her

recently.

 

good timing is

A DELICATE CRAFT.

 

/ MAYBE 

she was cheating on herself,

FINDING EXCUSES

for not acting,

cause things were

FAR too important 

to mess up.

. 

practice: BOUNCING + spaghetti arms

.

music: Charlotta by HECHT

.

18.8.19

what a MESS.

I have to confess.

how to UNDRESS.

all the clueless.

(-NESS).

 

what’s there to bless.

sweet BITTERNESS.

how to undress.

AMIDST THE MESS.

…………………………….

 

she could barely 

claim a CLEAR THOUGHT.

 

she could barely 

recognize truth. 

+ UNTRUTH.

 

she could barely 

SIT WITH how

attracted she was. 

 

desire was NOT HER JAM.

+ she felt helpless.

 

HOW TO DEAL

with not knowing.

how to admit

her weakness in front 

of herself.

.

music: Another Pot O' Tea by Emmylou Harris

.

17.8.19

glimpses of BLISS

were caught

in the SIMPLICITY

of the chance

to LAUGH.

.

MAYBE the world

is a mess.

MAYBE life will

go on eternally.

MAYBE we are

just shifting from

one form to 

the next.

 

this doesn’t mean 

we have no impact

with HOW WE ACT.

 

+ courage is not

the absence of fear.

COURAGE IS ACTING 

DESPITE THE FEAR.

(I keep telling myself.)

.

sometimes I don’t dare

to say WHAT I SHOULD SAY,

cause it would take me

out of my comfort-zone.

that’s PROBLEMATIC.

.

music: Risotto by Lo & Leduc

.

 

15.8.19

+ I don’t know

where I AM.

what I am doing

THERE

where I am.

whether it is

right/wrong/ENOUGH.

 

ALL TOGETHER

I wonder about life

.

+ what it asks of me.

 

thoughts about christmas

are stressful.

don’t even start me on

new year’s eve. 

.

this morning at 7:20.

.

music: Here I Am by Emmylou Harris

.

14.8.19

it was pretty.

it was random.

it was PRETTY RANDOM.

 

the skies cleared up.

the clouds disappeared.

+ they met AGAIN.

they saw each other from far

+ APPROACHED each other

until they could 

SMELL EACH OTHER

properly.

which is important,

YOU SEE.

 

(YES, how your armpits 

naturally smell

influences how 

the law of ATTRACTION works.

just sayin’.

of course what you consume

has an impact on that.

/ what you use to cover.

that is where 

LOVE 

has become complicated.) 

.

music: Every Breath You Take by Melanie Safka

.

 

13.8.19

PEOPLE kept swiping,

red-eyed from extended 

SCREEN TIMES.

distracted brains.

tired, but wired.

all the LIKES of no

significance.

 

+ our HEARTS 

were longing 

for dis-isolation,

as we had lost 

the WAY OUT

of cages we had built

around ourselves.

 

can we stop associating

CONNECTION with 

internet ACCESS?

 

can we share our stories

in person?

 

would you 

MATCH ME

if we met 

FOR REAL?

.

music: Love Me Tinder by Johannes Oerding

.

 

12.8.19

what is perceived as connection

could as well be an ILLUSION.

 

+ how could you ever tell,

whether it is REAL?

(if anything is ever real).

 

something as unmeasurable

is UNKNOWN BY THE MIND,

yet I do listen to the story

my mind is telling me.

(instead of listening to 

other intelligences).

 

+ then 

how to make sense

of the MESS?

.

sound: Hier Spricht by Cabaret Marcocello

.

 

11.8.19

+ as she watched those 

GAMES 

taking place, 

she couldn’t 

PLACE HERSELF 

within their context.

 

+ felt herself exiting 

through the back door 

OF HER HEART, 

before it could break 

further APART.

 

SOMETIMES 

we need to save ourselves 

from seeing things.

 

like when she was 

COVERING HER OWN EYES 

during certain scenes of 

harry potter 

as a kid – because she knew, 

it would do her no good 

to see them.

 

LITTLE GIRL, 

what were you afraid 

to witness 

(THE OTHER NIGHT)? 

.

music: Le jour se lève by Patricia Kaas

.

 

10.8.19

+ maybe FREEDOM is

mostly a state of mind.

 

where is that 

too OVERWHELMING?

 

where do I have to

step back + respect

my boundaries?

 

INTEGRITY also means

showing up for myself.

 

.

some of her borders

were irrational

+ SHE WAS WELL AWARE

of it.

 

some of her borders

were surprisingly 

FAR OUT,

in the middle of nowhere,

almost at the end of the 

WORLD.

+ she didn’t see them

from where she stood.

.

ELVIS became part of

the story

+ HE WAS WELL AWARE

of what was going on,

casually singing

AS USUAL.

.

music: Es Lama in der Pampa by Linard Bardill

.

 

9.8.19

in the driveway stood my BROS,

clearly looking like PROS.

(of WHAT)

style all DANDY,

gaze all sandy.

-      SANDY-CANDY.

+ if someone was called mandy,

it would’ve come in HANDY.

 

oddly enough the train

FROM MILANO

stopped at our station.

in the middle of the night.

we took it 

TO GO PLACES.

we met you.

i was taken (A)BACK

10 years straight

to high-school.

.

OH sweet surrender.

flesh so TENDER.

.

.

8.8.19

as the waxing MOON 

revealed itself to her, 

she glided gracefully 

into a state of spring.

LIFT me up, PLEASE.

make sense of my life.

let me feel the JOY 

of being where I am, 

FEARLESSLY walking 

the path assigned 

to me.

.

maybe re-inventing 

the SELF is an illusion,

as it has always existed 

in its WHOLENESS

+ will eternally remain 

perfect the way it is.

.

MAYBE I need to write 

about the same things 

AGAIN + AGAIN 

in order to understand 

myself within their context.

MAYBE I need to quote 

myself.

.

sometimes there is clarity 

AMIDST THE MESS.

when it hits you, 

make the MOST out of it. 

.

ELVIS was sitting 

in the other room, 

casually playing his guitar, 

while SHE made 

their afternoon tea. 

+ suddenly she had 

a deep sense of being 

HOME. 

love me tender.

.

music: When My Blue Moon Turns to Gold Again by Elvis Presley 

.

7.8.19

+ I miss 

ALL OF YOU

who’ve ever meant 

anything to me.

 

+ I miss 

all the places 

I’ve ever 

LIVED IN.

 

+ I miss 

the person I was, 

the things I did.

 

change is a constant 

EVERYDAY BUSINESS. 

– maybe the most constant 

EVERYDAY BUSINESS. 

 

+ yet it tears 

my heart 

APART 

at times. 

+ yet I struggle 

to ACCEPT it.

.

music: Beautiful People – Melanie 

.

6.8.19

catch me IF YOU CAN,

I would be quite delighted.

yes, I MEAN IT, man.

+ fires were IGNITED.

 

SAVE ME

from all the illusions,

when almost lovers

RANDOMLY appear

in my dreams.

[you can’t be SERIOUS.]

 

BUT THEN AGAIN,

who’s ever serious?

+ dreams are all

DELIRIOUS.

 

when life is

UNEVENTFUL,

dreams aren’t.

all kinds of dreams.

DEAR ME.

.

music: Hands on You (Acoustic) by Ashley Monroe

.

4.8.19

insecurity casually 

OVERRIDES ME

+ I wish to vanish.

 

+ then

how to step back 

into VISIBILITY?

 

sometimes I feel 

you don’t see me.

 

+ YES,

I know my hypersensitivity 

is INCOMPREHENSIBLE 

-      impossible to grasp 

at its edges.

 

DON’T ASK.

 

I barely manage to 

MANAGE MYSELF,

so how could you possibly

be expected to?

 

emotional attachment

seems INAPPROPRIATE.

 

+ then

how to work with that?

/

where self-acceptance,

SHAME + denial clash

against each other,

I’m confronted with

human weaknesses 

OF MINE.

 

+ then

how to acknowledge that?

.

music: La stella più fragile dell'universo by Ultimo 

.

3.8.19

OF COURSE 

she was dreaming of 

being LOVED

+ LOVING with 

the entire capacity of 

HER HEART

(AKA being allowed 

to do so).

 

OF COURSE

she was dreaming of 

being EMBRACED 

being HELD 

+ hugging deeply 

CONNECTED

to each other’s bodies, 

hearts, spirits 

(on the level of 

INTERWOVEN CELLS). 

 

OF COURSE

she was dreaming of 

being the love 

of someone’s life.

 

but YOU SEE, 

that story might not belong 

to this life’s path.

 

+ it was going to be OK.

+ she was going to be FINE.

 

even if society’s narrative 

was trying to convince her 

OTHER WISE. 

.

music: Mon Piano Rouge by Patricia Kaas

.

 

2.8.19

NO COMPROMISES

for her art,

(how EVER that term 

is understood)

even if it led her 

to extreme exposure,

to RADICAL acts,

to IRRATIONAL choices.

 

at times she was merely

a channel bringing forth

what wanted to find

expression.

 

it had nothing to do

with HER personally

+ everything with 

allowing that source

to FLOW THROUGH 

her + take shape.

 

+ SO

she listened 

ATTENTIVELY

+ did

what inspiration asked

HER to do.

 

ABOUT CREATING.

- in any context really.

.

CASUALLY

waving back at the children

watching me DANCE.

WHAT ELSE?

.

music: Princess by Tami T

.

 

1.8.19

it was another day of 

RELEASING what was 

not needed anymore,

CREATING SPACE 

for dreams

yet to come true.

 

+ do you still have dreams

for your future?

I WANTED TO ASK YOU.

 

+ some questions have 

UNCLEAR answers.

 

MAYBE she was tired of

wanting more than 

she had.

MAYBE she was not

courageous enough

ANYMORE

to chase that dream

of hers.

+ isn’t that sad.

 

the tiny little girl was

stomping her feet

FURIOUSLY

+ screaming 

IN PROTEST.

.

music: Schwan by Gölä & Band

.