+ maybe
the love story
she was writing
was only about
HER SELF.
+ would that be so bad?
SEE,
things would
fall into place
one way / the other.
+ either way would be
FINE
.
music: le jour se lève – Patricia Kaas
6.7.19
what do you want, little one?
+ she wanted all kinds of things.
SCREAMING, she screamed.
silly dancing.
eating too much fruit for dinner.
HUGS, many!
being CARRIED on someone’s back.
laughing till I cry.
talking non-sense.
singing loud + WRONG.
doing bad things.
going on adventures.
OKAY,
I said to that inner child of mine
(sitting in the middle of the street),
I can’t give you all of that,
but let’s go + get some fruit then,
come on.
+ I took her by the hand
+ dragged her off the street.
music: comme des enfants – coeur de pirate
5.7.19
+ it might be uncomfortable
to SPEAK YOUR TRUTH.
truth might be ugly,
but should you
DISCRIMINATE her though?
she might not get
cheers + validation,
she might, however,
hold greater VALUE WITHIN,
than any fake appearance.
authenticity is not an
EASY PATH TO WALK,
+ no one ever said so,
(it just became a hip word
to throw around, didn’t it?)
.
4.7.19
life falls into pieces
+ all of a sudden
life doesn’t feel
like being LIVED.
it is rather being
EXISTED THROUGH.
torn down by LETHARGY
pulled into MONOTONY
- two not very hot guys.
the soul is yearning for something,
(ANYTHING really)
but doesn’t specify the need.
+ this does not make it easier.
- thank you very much.
monotony is poison,
her physiotherapist said
+ surely his treatment was
ON ALL KINDS OF LEVELS.
music: Rosalie – Bligg
3.7.19
OH, did you assume?
I didn’t mean,
the thing is,
it wasn’t your - ,
I mean, you see.
I should have,
if only we’d.
+ thus
MISS UNDERSTANDINGS
had her entrance.
communication is no
SUGAR LICKING
(a germanism)
+ anyways
sugar is uncool.
music: MISS UNDERSTANDINGS – a song I wrote this morning.
2.7.19
the incapability to HANDLE
such intimate matter
+ figure out HOW TO
brought her mentally
TO HER KNEES.
wasn’t this supposed to be
easy + COME NATURALLY?
wasn’t this supposed to be
ENJOYABLE?
in her case
it had mostly been
a painful
FUCKING PROCEDURE.
+ she was DONE with
enduring that pain.
YET, she felt ashamed.
on a completely different note:
TRUST, that what you’re putting out into the world,
will arrive exactly where it is supposed to.
music: I Never Loved This Hard This Fast Before – Tami T
1.7.19
THEY CLICKED into
each other’s rhythm
like the wheels
of a well oiled gear.
one click effortlessly
led to the next one
+ FLOW was established.
despite the excitement
there was a general SENSE
of FAMILIARITY.
thoughts on fluidity + flow.
30.6.19
sometimes we need to be
HEROES
for each other.
if we support one another,
each one of us is supported.
let me be
your HEROINE
+ I’ll let you be
my HERO.
nobody was worrying
about being friend-zoned,
before that word existed.
THANK YOU hipster society.
music: Addicte aux héroïnes - Patricia Kaas
29.6.19
what is perceived
as RANDOMNESS
shall make sense
in the end.
maybe I’m guided
TO DO
what feels like
NON-SENSE.
maybe I’m thinking
‘WHAT AM I
DOING HERE?’
maybe the people
I MEET
seem to be
randomly crossing
my path.
+ if they have
FANTASIES
let them.
28.6.19
unbearable it is
+ sensations of bliss
[MISS, I miss,
that kiss]
unsure to be true
almost turn blue
[YOU, you too,
come through]
midsummernight dream
distant you might seem
[me, /we,
can’t see]
drown me in your light
carry me through the night
+ as you hold on tight
CLARITY washes our sight.
(no, I didn’t buy that dress)
27.6.19
an explosion of SORTS
which threw up
all those insecurities
ALL OVER AGAIN.
what was
+ what wasn’t
+ who could POSSIBLY
TELL. (Wilhelm Tell)
what belonged where
+ how to sort it all out.
/ MAYBE
it didn’t need sorting.
rather patience to
let it FALL INTO PLACE.
…
LIFE is not meant to be
UNTERSTOOD,
you see.
…
just enjoy what is,
she said.
I’M TRYING,
I promise.
…
I don’t know
how to ACCESS
synchronicity.
but I recognise
when it appears.
...
26.6.19
the radical concept of taking everything you’re being told as a compliment – no matter the content itself – takes judgement out of what you’re hearing, cause all is taken equally the same way. (?!)
when the summer air
touched her skin lightly,
she could SMELL LIFE
in its most beautiful form
+ for a moment she was
IN LOVE.
where do I end
+ where does fiction start?
there was no goal except
for the PROCESS itself.
+ she wondered about
all the consumption of
what was POURING out of her
day by day.
as for purpose:
she still didn’t know
how to handle that guy.
(but stay tuned MISTER,
I’ll get back to you)
music: She – Marianne Faithfull
25.6.19
he was so excited,
he just couldn’t hide it.
he knocked her off her feet
+ turned her
UPSIDE DOWN, BOY,
inside out, round + round.
although she was already
HEAD OVER HEELS.
they had the time of their lives
+ they never felt this way before.
they could be HEROES.
just for one day.
‘BABY, YOU –‘
- ‘no, I can’t drive your car
(cause you haven’t got a car
+ I dislike driving)
BUT
DANCE ME TO THE END OF LOVE.’
+ other songs
music: Dance Me to the End of Love – The Civil Wars
24.6.19
that child-like side of hers?
it was PROTECTION
she wrapped around herself.
it was CARING
for herself like a mother.
it was avoiding
ADULT BEHAVIOR.
it was allowance
to be FRAGILE.
music: Remind Me – Conrad Sewell
23.6.19
DETACH from the drama
+ stuff,
IT said.
BUT HOW
do you do that?!,
she screamed like a
STUBBORN LITTLE CHILD
+ sobbed in a mixture of
self-pity + anger.
once she was done,
she got numb
+ thought,
she was detached now.
OFC that’s not what it meant
22.6.19
when purpose fails to be seen,
I bathe myself in RANDOMNESS.
psychology people note:
this is a COPING mechanism.
lieber HIRSCH,
heute ist ein schwerer tag.
das leben ist BEFREMDLICH.
der mensch weiss nicht,
was er vom leben will
+ das leben weiss nicht,
was es vom menschen will.
sie stehen voreinander
in ihrem jeweiligen ELEND
+ schaffen es nicht,
SICH ZU BERÜHREN.
21.6.19
she understood,
that – because of her
GENERAL CONTAINMENT –
it came unexpected
to her surrounding,
when she showed emotions.
the more CONNECTED
TO HERSELF she was,
the less she had
THE URGE TO SUPPRESS
what she felt.
+ maybe it was a
ugly, sad, heart-breaking side
she REVEALED.
+ maybe she was
BEING DRAMATIC.
to be whole in one’s humanness
means exactly that though:
to have a DIVERSE RANGE
of sides + shades
to one’s personality.
SISTER,
listen with your whole SELF,
with every cell of you.
release into the situation
in order to receive the
APPROPRIATE APPROACH
towards it.
(+ I might be talking to myself)
the CANCER season is starting,
too.
(are we surprised? SO NOT.)
20.6.19
the amount
of time
I have at my hands
always feels
TOO LITTLE.
painful does it seem
to zoom out + see
to zoom out + see
yes,
painful does it seem,
how fast
time passed,
how LITTLE ME
tries helplessly
to capture it.
how soon
we die,
how all we do
is running behind
material things.
OH,
dear boy
just come her + give
this pretty girl
a real-shit kiss,
cause all
she wants,
I tell you dear boy,
is PURE LOVE,
pleasure + joy.
music: what was supposed to be a serious poem about time passing too fast, turned into a classic love song – what a metaphor for life.
+ OTHER THINGS I DO AT 6AM.
19.6.19
‘you are very AUTHENTIC in what you do,
but on some days I’m like WHAT?
+ then I realise,
that you probably don’t even
UNDERSTAND YOURSELF.’
SISTER,
you’re totally right about that.
you see,
even if it is not understandable,
I still have to express it.
- someone might understand + need it.
ALSO,
I made two promises to my SELF:
CONSISTENCY + NO CENSORING.
which essentially means, that
YES, I might make a fool out of myself anytime.
(one of the things I learnt:
ALMOST camouflaging my broken knee when dancing.)
music: Be My Baby – The Ronettes
18.6.19
it is crawling into her bed
at the least expected moment
overriding her
EATING HER
(up from the inside)
AGAIN.
she knows,
it is UNREAL.
she knows
its tricks.
sometimes
she can’t resist
her HUMANNESS
+ badly, badly
falls for
FEAR
in all its GLORY.
music: That I Would Be Good – Alanis Morissette